Olive You

I am really angry... With my ovaries.

2012-02-07T14:13:00.001-06:00

On Friday I spotted some prey sweet looking CM I thought, so obviously I put the hubs on sex-alert. It was a weekend of lovin' as I diligently temp'ed myself waiting for my post ovulation rise. 5 days have past, no rise. It's CD 20. My ovaries are evil lil bastards. CM has been watery and might just be from all the sexy-time. I gave last month a pass because it obviously would be messed up from the IVF, but this month I've been all super healthy and awesome. So much for that, today I had a coffee and giant diet coke in protest. Now I'm all salty and I have a wicked caffeine headache. Arg, and I should so go to the gym, but I loathe the thought of it right now. Boo. Today is not a good day.

Back on the Twitter

2012-02-05T20:54:00.001-06:00

Since ditching Facebook for less fertile grounds I've felt pretty disconnected from the world. Luckily after a full day of hanging with Mr. and Mrs. RealHouseWife for the SuperBowl, I've found a solution... I'm back on the Twitter! Mr. RHW was talking about how much he likes it more than facebook and I decided to give it another go. I think Google and being over-connected made me quit before. But now is the time to return!!!

When I'm less lazy I'll add a button but if you feel like following its @oliveyouleah.

In other news, we had our IVF follow up, I'm a morning/evening/Zumba gym rat, and adventures in au natural baby-making.

Look for these topics in this week's posts! Gotta go, Go Giants!

Body and Soul

2012-01-26T13:59:00.001-06:00

Hey all, I've been gone for a couple weeks. But for good reason; I had work training last week. It went pretty well. I felt really happy with my career most of the week and only had a few moments of melancholy the whole week. And that is impressive considering I also got my period. It was 7 days late. But considering I think it was an annovulatory cycle it's actually seems like good news.

Also the making babies diet is going pretty well, i think I'm doing better the 80% goal. I'm also back at the gym. This week I've been biking, swimming, Zumba, body works class, and yoga. I'm also trying to slim down a bit. Last week I maxed out on the scale during my period at 157 lbs. Today I weighed in at 151 lbs. Granted I wasn't wearing pants, but I do feel like I've made more progress then just water weight. My goal weight is somewhere south of 135. That would be right around where I was when I got married and where I was right before my iui.

I've spent a lot of time being angry at my body and at God. I decided I need to stop that. I'm not sure how yet. Right now I'm eating good and working out and enjoying the amazing feeling of success after a good workout. I'm not sure what to do about God. I don't talk much about faith here, but it always has been a big part of my life. However, this journey has left my faith battered and worn thin. The more I pray the more alone I feel. Like no one is listening each month that goes by with no baby. Losing Pickle and Bean after all the prayers and tears and pleading hasn't helped either. The other day I was praying for better weather or something and I stopped mid thought, because I didn't want to waste a prayer on anything but a baby. It was silly but it's where my troublesome mind is at.

So for now I'm just taking it a day at a time...

Stripping membranes

2012-01-12T20:07:00.001-06:00

I read the other day about stripping membranes to encourage labor in pregnant women. I feel like that is what my mind needs to get back to life. There is just A hanging sadness, dread, melancholy blocking me from truly living and enjoying my life. Just a couple layers pulled away I would feel great about things I feel good about. I would feel good about things I feel ok about. And most important, I would feel ok about things I feel terrible about.

Things would get moving. Someone strip the membranes of sadness off my dang brain please!

Maybe we are magnets...

2012-01-10T22:37:00.001-06:00

Or I'm becoming Co-dependent. Meh.

My husband is in Chicago for work, and him not being around sends my heart spiraling to sad town. But when he's here, I'm better! Maybe this is my heart's way of showing myself I'm still hurting. Damn. I just want to get pregnant and have a baby.

I feel like it I keep saying what I want I'll get it. My mom says I need to accept the fact I'm infertile. That everything we've been through doesn't mean we will win some magical karma lottery and get pregnant. When she went through it, it then got easier for her when she made peace with it and getting thru everyday was less hard. But my parents also eventually got a diagnosis. Their infertility was was based on a fact.

Ours is a moving target. There is no why, there is no clear cut line in the sand saying I'm like this forever. I want lots of kids. I want to be pregnant. I can't accept anything because in my heart it feels like defeat.

This post took on a whole new direction. Told you guys I get sad when he's gone.

I wonder...

2012-01-09T22:21:00.001-06:00

I wonder when this cycle will end. Really no clear indication ovulated. No EWCM, slight raise in temp but I'm fighting an awful cold. I would like some indication. Anyone of my IF ladies have an annovulatory cycle after failed IVF?

Another question, my annual pap was supposed to happen during IVF cycle, should I reschedule now? Why?

Lastly, I haven't had a regular physical either in awhile, should I get on of those too? I always forget because I just do my lady stuff... What about you all?

Those are my ponderings today.

Sick!

2012-01-08T21:24:00.001-06:00

I'm a mess of buggers and ish. I have some sort of super cold where my nose is a spout of mucus and my lungs hurt! It sucks. However I am proud to say I haven't reverted to my standard sick-time pity eating. Instead I'm still on the game plan.

I would write more but I think I'm getting snot on my iPad. Later!

Frosted flake

2012-01-03T22:21:00.001-06:00

I've been super flaky in my real life. I just don't have a huge desire to be around people. Anyone. Except one. If your name is Admir and you put a ring on it: you're cool, we can hang out.

Thanks for being my rock babe. My funny, smelly, nerdy rock. Xoxo.

When do you know...

2012-01-02T20:00:00.001-06:00

When do you know you are really, truly depressed? Is it when you aren't being otherwise occupied you feel down? When asked your emotional color, you only see grey? I've had good times over the last couple of weeks. People and things have made me happy. I've enjoyed so many things, had some fun... But when left alone, to my mind's own devices, I'm still really sad. Nothing has flipped that switch in my head/heart to look for the up instead of the down. I'm sick of feeling like this. But right now the only thing I believe will fix me is sooo far out of reach.

I just want to feel normal, not broken, not infertile.

Getting started!

2012-01-01T21:38:00.001-06:00

January 1, getting started on my new lifestyle for healthiness! This isn't going to turn into a food blog but I will be sharing what I'm trying and doing.

I read my Making Babies book, but I haven't gotten to organizing my diet yet. So today I was just healthy!

This morning it was turkey bacon, grapefruit, berries and organic hash browns. This afternoon was whole wheat pasta, homemade tomato sauce, and banana bread with whole wheat flour, stevia and no sugar! But it was still yummy! And of course some green tea.

Obviously haven't cut out gluten yet, but that requires some new groceries, so I'm going to ease into it and moving to whole wheats is a step in the right direction.

I am hoping that eating better will lead to feeling better, and feeling better will mean physically, Emotionally and mentally.

If anyone has any favorite uber healthy recipes, please feel free to send them to me!

Resolutions

2012-01-01T00:09:00.001-06:00

Save money.

Be healthy.

Make babies.

Hello 2012. You are going to be my year.

Terrible attempt at a post

2011-12-30T09:11:00.001-06:00

Ok. Time to post. This one is free-form guys. I mean they all are but I usually have some sort of topic going in. I'm winging' this shit today.

Oh btw I quit Facebook. Again. This time I'm not going to pretend its for good. I know it's not. I'm telling myself it's until I get pregnant. Although who knows if I'll make it until then. All the married people I know are pregnant or have kids almost, and most of them got married after me. Facebook might as well be called Fertilebook. It's either quit now or get new friends. I'm not entirely opposed to the latter. I long for the days when most status updates revolved around drinking games and fighting hangovers, not ultrasounds and baby videos.

Other things I'm quitting until pregnant: cutting my hair. I'm going to get luscious long hair, or dirty hippy hair. Either way it stays until I have a bun in oven!

Um in other news, I had a 6 month informal review and I rocked it. Yeah me! Glad to hear my recent dance into Debbie Downerville hasn't been noted by my boss. He likes me.

I dunno what else to write today. This is a terrible post.

F-You 2011!

2011-12-27T18:58:00.001-06:00

Christmas was a fiasco. I cried randomly at least 3 times. Then I got tipsy. Well maybe a bit more. I did share with a couple more people what had happened, so they didn't think me a sullen tipsy bitch. I just didn't enjoy it at all. I hate being infertile. I hate holidays. God and I are not friends at the moment. But a good friend told me "it's ok to be mad at God, he's a big boy." and I am. I am either mad or sad or ignoring it. So fricken nuts.

I still can't talk to my pregnant friends. I just have nothing to say. It makes me sad but I just can't do it. 2011 was supposed to be my year. Instead it was the year everyone sped off into parenthood and pregnancy without me. F*@k you 2011.

I want to be optimistic. I mean we fertilized eggs, one of them kept going long enough to get a positive result. That should give us hope that the parts work. My acupuncturist said I just had some issues with implantation that could be cleaned up with diet and herbs. I've decided to go down the Making Babies Program route because of it. I've hi-lighted half the damn book, the half I've read so far. But part of me keeps creeping in and telling me I'm kidding myself. That this is all just another distraction until I admit I'm stuck like this. Infertile, forever.

How do you kill those demons? How do you live with hope when all its done is hurt you? I need to know because in my head I'm telling myself 2012 will be our year. Maybe even before I turn 28 in April I will be pregnant... But my heart is saying: don't believe it, it will only hurt us more.

I want to thank all the people who have commented or messages me. I am truly touched and grateful for All the kind words, thoughts and prayers. It's hard for me in my life to share and open up. It's still hard here to accept all the love given openly. So even if I don't always reciprocate comments or thank you for your emotional support, it means the world to me.

Thanks and on to 2012. It will be my year... I hope.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T18:07:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas everyone. We are in town and spending time with loved ones. I couldn't convince anyone it was worth leaving for Christmas, including myself. Today I enjoyed a quiet day with my in-laws. We are headed to my parents shortly for the rest of the weekend. I am ok with it. I love being with my parents and brother. The only part I'm dreading is the Big Family Christmas with my mom's family. Last year didn't end well. I just am over showing up every year childless. I hate it. But I hate every landmark, holiday, milestone that reminds me I don't have what I want more than anything. My husband and I have everything in the world we could want: great marriage, good jobs, financial freedom, a home, nice things, good families, good friends... But I would give up most if not all of it to be pregnant.

BUT... I'm going to try and focus on the good...

Merry Christmas All!

F-ing Depressed.

2011-12-19T12:18:00.001-06:00

Arg! I'm f-ing depressed. I'm bleeding like crazy. I'm still sad. Stupid dreams making it worse.

I'm bummed that I haven't been focused on work. I'm part of a training program that I was top of the pack in and now I'm just somewhere in the middle. I hate feeling mediocre. I've failed at reproducing and I'm failing at domestic life (my house is a mess) and I'm mediocre at my job which is the only place I'm always sure I'm doing awesome.

At least my marriage is awesome! But Admir gets most of the credit on that...Hmm.

Back to getting caught up at work. I'm gonna be owning this job again by New Year's.

Terrible Dreams

2011-12-19T09:27:00.001-06:00

I didn't sleep at all last night. I had terrible dreams. My job at work is to evaluate risks and write a report to help our business partners determine if we should keep or write the business. So last night I was finishing up a report for some new business. Somehow I dreamt that the new business was my pregnancy and no matter what I did it just kept getting rejected, my report would be horrible and I would lose the pregnancy. I know it sounds super weird and makes no sense but I kept waking up feeling thinking about losing my pregnancy and having this dread that I would never get pregnant. Then I would fall back asleep and go right back into my dream. Yesterday I had just started to feel normal again, but today I'm all a jumble of emotions.

I wanted to blog today about how therapeutic my weekend was. Admir and I joined the gym, I went swimming, we got massages and spent time just being normal together. Admir and I talked about how we were dealing with everything. I learned a lot about my husband.

Through this entire process I learned a ton about my marriage as well. As painful as this has been, I know my relationship with my husband has never been stronger. And I guess if I can take anything away from this it is that.

So I'm hoping this anxiety today will pass. I have more to say but right now I can't organize my thoughts anymore. Damn dreams...

CD1

2011-12-18T22:14:00.001-06:00

Cycle Day 1.My period came with a vengeance today. Not that I didn't know it was over before but now it's really over. All that effort for nothing. Granted we've learned somethings and even if it was for just a couple of days, we know we can get pregnant. It's just so final. IVF #1 is over. No baby.Today we had several things we were supposed to do but I just wanted to be around Admir. He is really my world.Tomorrow I'll blog more but I didn't want the end and the beginning of what's next to go by without marking it.See you on CD2.

I lied. I'm back. It's over.

2011-12-15T17:51:00.001-06:00

Friday beta: 6

Monday beta: 22

Thursday Beta: 22, no rise... Early miscarriage.

I have to go back Tuesday. Not sure why. My first IVF ended with my first miscarriage. Going off progesterone tomorrow. Waiting for the inevitable.

Husband and I are thinking of going away for X-mas. I don't to be around anyone. I don't feel like I can celebrate anything. I never knew my heart could be this broken.

Last post for awhile...

2011-12-10T13:26:00.001-06:00

So this will be my last post until Christmas. I will find out Monday if Pickle and Bean have implanted, and if I'm pregnant. And I want to have sometime to myself to digest it, to tell my loved ones, or to mourn it. Fertile people get the luxury of enjoying early pregnancy, not fearing it. They get to hold this info like a blessed secret, not be asked again and again "if it worked". I want a little of that too. And I'd it doesn't work, I want to mourn Pickle and Bean on my own. Right now I'm just waiting to breathe again, waiting to stop holding my breath. I want to breathe on my own a bit, whatever the outcome. See you on 12/25. Keep praying for me.

Not a real post.

2011-12-07T21:08:00.001-06:00

Been going between Bruno Mars "It will Rain" and "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida as my TWW theme songs depending on my mood. Hopefully a real post tomorrow with no news but more ramblings!

Please enjoy these songs for your listening pleasure:

2dp3dt: Backacne, a shower and more R&R

2011-12-03T23:58:00.001-06:00

Another day of R&R with Pickle & Bean (hopefully). A new development of acne on my forehead, back and chest has surfaced. My husband finally got our upstairs toilet in and the bathroom useable. I also took a warm shower. Not a hot shower mind you, but warm enough. I usually take scalding hot, infinitely long showers. In fact I've wondered it these could contribute to my IF. So no wonderful, relaxing showers anymore. Just boring, warm, short ones.

Tomorrow I need to leave my lil nest, get caught up on work stuff and prep myself for a hopefully quick week. But until then it's more Gossip Girl on Netflix... Xoxo.

One Day Past Three Day Transfer aka 1dp3dt

2011-12-02T16:39:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to make it sound more substantial instead of just a day since transfer. I am on an episode in the mid 40s out of 87 of Gossip Girl. And on my second day of bed rest. My RE said I could get back to normal life today but I have the whole weekend so I'm taking it.

It's going to be a long 10 days. I'm laying here hoping my lil babies are growing, thriving, hopefully implanting soon. This "Two week Wait" is so different then those when we've been trying, or even when we did our IUI. This time I know there is life in there. I've never known that before. I feel so responsible for these microscopic souls inside of me. I find myself afraid that my body will be the reason they don't survive. That somehow I'm not the Vessel that can sustain them. Whether or not medically I'm considered pregnant, in my heart I am. I'm carrying Pickle and Bean and my biggest fear is they are no longer in there, or no longer growing. I know I'm supposed to think happy thoughts, but right now I need to admit that these are feelings I'm having.

I am being mostly positive. While on my self-imposed bed rest I find myself reaching for my belly, touching it, sending it happy thoughts, telling Pickle & Bean how much I love them and want to meet them. While multiples would be a lot of work, I'm so in love with both of them already. And no matter if we get two, none or just one of them, they are already in my heart, as my babies, forever. This IVF process is hard on the heartstrings.

My mom thinks I should pray for my embaby that only grew a day. But that feels different. It was never meant to live, I know because as soon as my egg and his sperm combined, it didn't work. The DNA, the combo, it wasn't meant to be. If it was it would have kept going, like my Pickle & Bean. I wanted to explain these feelings to her but I guess I haven't wanted to think about it yet. I'm just focused on what's ahead...hopefully.

So this is one day in. 10 days to go.

Pickle & Bean

2011-12-01T17:10:00.001-06:00

Today we transferred two beautiful Embabies, that I've given the nicknames Pickle & Bean. Our Third embaby stopped developing after day 1, and the embryologist said it was not viable anymore. I cried because I didn't want any of them to fail, but maybe it was meant to be. We don't have to worry about snow babies, and could focus on these two precious lil lives we are giving a shot right now to!

About Bean: it's a 8 cell embryo that they graded as a 1. Absolutely excellent! The embryologist said as of yesterday it was graded a 3-average, but overnight it sped up and looked marvelous today! No fragmentation, great shape and consistency of cell size! Yay Bean!

About my lil Pickle: it's my lil late bloomer, but I'm praying just as hard for my Pickle. It's a 5 cell embryo, graded as a 3, or average. It's not terrible, but not fantastic. However, since they told us Bean looked similar as of yesterday, I'm hoping Pickle hits it's stride now it's settled in to it's new home!

The whole appt took about 30 minutes today, including discussing the embryos, looking at them under the microscope, settling in, and inserting them, and the waiting period.

Looking at them was amazing, I wish I would have looked closer, longer, but as soon as I saw them I started to tear up. So I let Admir look before I had a meltdown. He was also so amazed! I can't believe how much those lil tiny beings pulled on my heartstrings... On our heartstrings.

The transfer went perfect! My cervix has never met a catheter it liked, but on Monday they put a suture in to keep my angry cervix open. It worked great, no cramping at all! Not even at the end when they took the catheter and suture out. So today could not have gone better. I'm very happy.

My day has been lazy and nice. The husband has called no less than 5 times since he tucked me in at home. Everytime mentioning Pickle & Bean, he's so cute! My mom came and brought lunch. She is so excited! And she even told my Grandma, who was very excited too.

My grandma would be the biggest skeptic of IVF, because of moral issues with embryos not being given a chance. I know she was super sad when she had a relative get rid of 8 embryos they weren't using. My mom told me today Grandma went into a depression about it. And I love that love for life she has and the amount of prayers for her family that cross her lips. I guess she has know all week, so I know there was some real great prayers from her. It was a weight off me to be able to talk to her about it today, because we are so close and it was killing me not telling her.

So it's just bed rest from now until Monday. I could get moving again tomorrow, but since I have the long weekend I'm going to use it to send good vibes to P&B and relax. My first beta is Dec. 9, they will give us results on Dec. 12 after our second beta. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

T-Day

2011-12-01T08:01:00.001-06:00

It's here! Transfer Day! We leave in an hour and I'm feeling a lot of things but just trying to stay calm. So wish me luck and I'll write this afternoon! Later Gators!

And the there was Three...

2011-11-29T07:44:00.001-06:00

Embryologist call right away at 7am with the news. Out of the 8 we inseminated, 3 fertilized. Just 3. I feel like this was the answer to my prayers yesterday, but then again now I'm worried so much for them! What if they don't make it? What I wasted all those eggs I could have made my baby with? I know that now its all up to God, and that I have no control from here on out. That is hard. This is much harder than I thought it would be.i I was so worried about not having enough Womb for all my embryos, now I'm begging for these 3 little lives to hold out for me...

Say prayers for my lil embabies to grow. Transfer is Thursday.

Overachiever.

2011-11-28T16:01:00.001-06:00

I had my retrieval this morning at 9:30 am. Best part, I got the fun doctor! Not my stuffy, weird Dr., but the funny old guy who has won all the awards. And they have a rule, if one Dr. takes the eggs out, he must then put them back in. Yay!

And the results are: 22 eggs! 9 from my right side, and 13 eggs from my left ovary. Such an over-achiever! However, that I guess may be an issue. My Dr. Is concerned about Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome (OHSS). This happens apparently somewhat frequently, but also sucks and can delay transfer. So I'm taking it easy and following all medical advice. Hopefully, nothing will delay my transfer!

On to the eggs. Out of the 22, we are fertilizing the best 8. We were going to just do the best 6, but the Dr. And embryologist said 8 would be a much more workable number. How do you hope that there are enough good ones but not too many? How do you create that many future lives and not want all of them? I'm struggling with this today a lot, and praying. Not sure what I'm praying for but I'm just praying someone has a plan after all my human mettling.

So today I'm laying around, recuperating. Me, Millie, & Netflix, on the couch. Admir and his dad will be over soon to install my new toilet and vanity in our upstairs bathroom. No more middle of the night trips to the basement bathroom!

Tomorrow we also start Progesterone in Oil shots, aka butt shots! And I'm doing two sessions of acupuncture before transfer! It's going to a weird week. But hopefully a good one. :)

Here Eggies! Time to come out and play!

2011-11-27T22:37:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow is my retrieval! Sorry for the lack of more detailed posts but I'll try for a drug-induced babble-thon tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Where's my ovary hiding?

2011-11-22T20:10:00.001-06:00

Monday I had my first monitoring appointment. I would tell you it went well but I really don't know. Apparently my sneaky left ovary was playing Hide N Seek. Yeah, you know those ovaries, they love playing games! Anyways I offered to scoot down, maybe spread 'um a bit wider to see if that popped it into view of the ultrasound but apparently my nurse was still sleepy or bored that morning and didn't feel it was necessary to find it. She said she saw four lil follicles developing in my right ovary and to keep on my protocol and come back on Wednesday. Gosh, glad I got up early for that appt.!

On the medication front I'm kinda weepy and very tired. Every night when I take my Follistim shot I pretty much want to sleep right afterwards. It's taking a lot of willpower right now not to just shutdown and curl up into bed. Between Lupron, Menopur and Follistim it's three shots a day. Other than my stomach looking like a chubby constellation the shot part isn't too bad. I've also lost my appetite, and am really just eating lunch and maybe a snack for dinner. Probably not the healthiest option but at least I'm not eating that much junk.

Well that is all for today. It's T minus 7 days until retrieval, so hopefully tomorrow's appointment is more enlightening. Goodnight everyone!

0-3

2011-11-19T18:24:00.001-06:00

Social events I've attended this month: 3
Social events I've attended this month without crying: 0

Well, we still have Thanksgiving folks...

Today I went to my cousin's wedding with about 500 people. Most of these people are party of this social/weird group P.O.P. that my whole family was once a part of. However, many of my family left, including my parents when I was very young. This lead to lots of people going: "Oh I haven't seen you since you were little." It also led to too much awkward small talk, which I hate when it's for people I'll never see again. Plus when you cover where you live, who you married and what you do they all kind of just look at you waiting for the note on children. Especially to this group where reproducing is a competitive sport; you aren't that interesting if you don't have offspring. But the conversation that took the cake was a woman who was talking about her daughter who had just gotten married and was expecting. Then she asked when I got married. Of course when she heard 3 years, she leaned over to my mother and said, "When is she going to give you grandchildren?" Cue waterworks! BTW this woman had known my parents when they were trying and ended up adopting my bro and I, what a dumb ass. But while I was wading through the masses of spawners to find a decent place to compose myself, I guess my mom gave it to the woman. She told her that is not an appropriate question because some people can't just get pregnant and that she had really hurt my feelings. Go Mom! And especially because my mom is not the confronting kind so I was extra proud and touched. She deserves another: Yay Mom!

It's National Adoption Day today. That means another shout out to my parents! Love you guys! While I'm not ready for that road, I know that my adoption was the single greatest thing that has occurred in my life because it gave me the best parents in the world. Seriously, they are the Bees Knees and My World!

Also, I know I haven't blogged in a week, so let's update on my IVF. Lupron hasn't been that bad. I've just been period moody. I also had my baseline appt. It was all good. I started Follistim yesterday. To be honest I find that Pen more confusing then just using a dang syringe! Anyways, I have more details I can probably share but right now I am due to shoot up and then I need a cuddle with the pup and husband. Have a great weekend all! I'm seeing Breaking Dawn tomorrow so mine has no where to go but Up!

Bird and Bee

2011-11-10T20:39:00.001-06:00

First off I guess these are old but have you all seen them! Awesome + hilarious + weepiness = best YouTube since twin talking vid. This next one is my fave:

Other than that, short post. Had a great day traveling Western MN with C from work. C is my mentor/partner-in-crime/new friend and I love going out with her. We laugh and talk and have a damn good time. Oh and I learn tons about my new job and employer. She has really made this new job so much easier to settle into!

Mid-morning headache still happening, Mexican Coke still the answer. Exhausted and in bed by 8 every night. It's past my bedtime! Shot 4 tomorrow!

Day 2 or CD(-4): Oh man we are really doing this!

2011-11-09T11:36:00.001-06:00

Oh man, this is really starting to feel real. The whole IVF thing is really happening. Day 2 of Lupron. It's not really a cycle day because I'm supposed to get a period when I stop BC on Saturday, and that is the official cycle start. We will call today CD(-4) and count up. Symptoms so far seems to be tiredness and headaches. Yesterday I thought it was just me but today I got a headache 30 minutes after injection. It's not a fun one either. It makes it hard to focus on anything too long. Yesterday I read on a random message board that coke classic helps so I drank one of Admir's Mexican Cokes (in the glass bottle, hecho en Mexico, with Real Sugar). It helped a lot. It doesn't go with my no caffeine, low sugar diet but if it keeps the headache away, one a day isn't terrible. This morning I waited about 3 hours and then gave in and had another. I'm feeling like I can focus. Which is good because I still have to work, although the ability to work from home right now is perfect! Nothing makes a headache worse like fluorescent office lighting and office furniture.

Other symptoms is slight burning sensation at the injection site and light cramps. Also, we went to dinner last night and completely I forgot that I had said something already. Still have no recollection of saying it the first time. I think I was just tired and over-stimulated, it's way to early to get the more crazy symptoms right? Lupron can make you forgetful I guess, oh and overly emotional. Ha Lupron! I already am overly emotional, so I beat you there!

I also forgot to take my BCP last night and had to take it this morning. Hopefully nothing fishy happens. I couldn't tell you what could happen but this all feels like a giant science experiment so who knows.

That's it. Oh although I'm giving myself major props for being awesome at self injections! Today's went super smooth! Yay me!

Infertile Ladies, any thoughts on lupron? What do you have going on in your cycles?

Real World Friends, Are you learning anything? Any questions?

D-20

2011-11-09T10:54:00.001-06:00

Ok, other than the stinging of any pregnancy announcement, I have to admit I'm Pro-Duggars. People criticize them for her age and the health risks but I see and read about people seeking children, pregnancy, ivf all the time over forty and everyone thinks its great. And they criticize them for the number of kids but coming from my point of view, if you love them, can take care of them and have the ability to have them do it to it. Those Duggar Kids are nice, hard working, God fearing kids. They might dress a little homely but not one of them could be called, neglected, abused or unloved. In fact I bet all if not most of them will grow up to be positive, productive people. That's more than you can say about some more conventional sized families.

So Michelle, best of luck and God Bless!

1 injection down, 1 bajillion to go...

2011-11-08T10:33:00.001-06:00

Ok so I thought I would video or at least take pics this morning when I took my first shot so you guys could see it. But then I thought, why do you want to see that? Plus Admir had to leave early so I wanted to get it done with him there, in case I couldn't do it myself. Anyways me in a Gopher beanie, no bra and gym pants was not going on the Internet!

I did awesome, BTW! Next time I'm going to insert it faster but otherwise it was good. There is some soreness at the inection site but nothing bad. I still have an awful headache from yesterday and I'm feeling a little off but I'm sure that's just me.

Anywho, in case you were wondering about the party mix I'll be ingesting and injecting over the next month, here it is:

Pills

OCPs (monophasic birth control pills): Used to prime estrogen receptors on the ovaries, prevent or eliminate cysts, time the start of other meds ie. Lupron. I'm been on these for over a month, stupid scheduling.

Doxycyline: Antibiotic very often used prophylactically to eliminate bacteria in the reproductive tract or to treat an infection. So that sounds helpful, but the thought of bacteria in my ladyparts is gross. Admir has to take these too!

Diazepam: used to calm prior to transfer (aka to get me high so I don't freak out).

Injectable meds

GnRH Agonist
This drug is given to quiet/suppress the pituitary/ovaries before stimulation with gonadotropins usually in IVF cycles. It prevents ovulation (releasing eggs) before egg retrieval. Given as a SC injection every day in the abdomen or thigh.

-Lupron (leuprolide acetate) 2 week kit: premixed multidose vial with syringes in units. I started this today!

Stims (Gonadotropins)
These drugs are the hormones that stimulate the ovaries to make more eggs than they would on their own, normally just one each month. They are the hormone FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) which stimulates the development of follicles containing eggs on the ovaries. Injections are usually given SC in the abdomen or thigh.

-Follistim AQ cartridge for use with the Follistim Pen (recombinant FSH, premixed, prefilled cartridge which is inserted into a pen that resembles a fountain pen, comes with SC needles) it's pretty badass looking, and currently resides in my vegetable drawer with my Lupron & Menopur. That drawer of drugs is worth more than my refrigerator.

-Menopur (highly purified HMG which contains both FSH and LH) 75 IU vials must be mixed with diluent each time. Use 3 cc syringes, can be given SC or IM. This one looks and sounds complicated. Crap!

Drugs to Induce Egg Maturation/Ovulation
Used in IVF cycles to mature the eggs and cause ovulation (release of egg from the follicle) once they are big enough. Ovulation occurs 36 to 40 hours after the injection. In IVF cycles timing is crucial, usually given 34 hours prior to egg retrieval so that eggs mature but do NOT ovulate before egg retrieval.

-HCG Novarel Pregnyl: 10,000 unit vial with diluent, IM with 3 cc syringe. Piece O Cake! Unless you can't tell time or count, then you can screw up the whole thing. Pressure!

Luteal Phase Support
All of these medications provide progesterone which helps to continue development of the endometrium (lining of the uterus) so that the embryo has a nourishing, receptive environment for implantation and pregnancy support.

-Progesterone in Oil: 50 mg/ml 10 ml multidose vial for IM injection with 3cc syringe. IM means in the butt! Well it is inter muscular but really it's 2 inches of needle straight into your booty. Admir will be doing this, and he's a little too excited about it. He really got excited during shot class when they told him to hold it like a dart. Yikes!

-Endometrium progesterone vaginal insert: Only when we find out we are indeed with child. Does a vaginal insert sound like fun...No! But is it better then giant needles!

So those are the drugs. As we go further, I'm sure I will explain more. Until then, tata!

11, 23, 40ish

2011-11-07T19:58:00.001-06:00

11 hours until I take my first lupron shot.

23 separate times I found myself distracted today thinking about IVF.

40ish days until we know if it was all worth it.

I was going to write more but have a terrible tension headache. I think I was clenching my jaw all day. Go figure. I'll let you all know how shot 1 goes tomorrow. Maybe I'll video it!

On a lighter note: IVF porn

2011-11-05T21:45:00.001-05:00

"Why hello sexy... What's all wrapped up in there...RAWR!"

"Oh Baby, take it off, take it all off..."

" OMG, I'm so hot looking at you right now!"

Sexy-time with all my IVF meds.

Me, inferile

2011-11-05T21:24:00.001-05:00

Hey all, time for an update. Today I went to a baby shower for my friend who I found out was pregnant this summer, hosted by the girl who my last emotion-filled post was about. While I had a good time and got to share about what our steps ahead were with them, it was still a hard hard day. My good good friend was in town for this event with her youngest and she is amazing to talk to. What she told be is to stop isolating and bottling it up but just feel it. And after how exhausting today was I know she is right.

The hard part about feeling everything is when you let yourself feel sad, instead of redirecting it to humor, or bitterness, or even false happiness; you feel really vulnerable. You wonder if everyone else sees you as the pathetic, sad, mess of emotions you are. I've made mistakes in friendships, mis-communicated, had fallouts, and it's made me really anxious and self conscious about what I say often to others. And I've become so guarded with most of my relationships other than my closest because I don't have the emotional patience or strength to deal with unintended conflicts. But all of this has left me so afraid to be vulnerable, to trust those outside my mom and my spouse will support me, instead of pity me. I feel like I've always been a person who had it pretty together and this I am not together on. Much like my difficulties with birth-mom and birth family, this situation is so far out of my control I feel weak and emotionally raw. And from my past experiences my go-to defenses are sarcasm, bitterness and self-depreciating humor.

It took spending a lot of time talking with my friend and spending a lot of time with her this weekend to see how often I went to those places instead of just feeling my sadness. Just realizing that what this is is hard and painful and feeling sad is ok. Being vulnerable is ok. Even as I type this I feel a pit in my stomach saying. Feeling like I should edit this whole thing to sound stronger.

My friends all want to read this blog, to keep up on what I'm going thru. But I'm afraid they will hate me for my lack of happiness for their happiness. For my bitterness, jealousy and weakness. So friends, thanks for your support. This is me, infertile. Laying it out. Feeling it all. Being human. This is what it's like to be here, 30 months infertile, emotionally raw and bruised. Trying my best, to get to first, being ok. Second, being a mommy. Looking ahead excited, scared and overwhelmed towards our IVF.

It happened

2011-10-25T20:01:00.001-05:00

I vomited while showering. How'd I get here? Let me share...

You infertiles all have her, that one girl, who is the one person in the whole world you really don't want to get pregnant before you. It's not about her, but about you, and maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's your past, maybe it's something about your relationship but something about her getting it puts a dagger in your heart. It's terrible, it's mean and stupid but it's true...

Well she got married this summer. And she got pregnant within weeks of it. And she told me today.

And that's when I started crying. And then I needed to shower. Because anytime I feel sad or angry or lost I shower. The hot water raining down always feels like a release. And so I'm sitting in the shower in super hot water crying my damn eyes out.

And then I choked on some water. And all the phlegm made me choke more. And I had just eaten, so I gagged. And then I vomited. And the shower therapy lost all value. And then I was crying again, cleaning up my own vomit, naked.

Needless to say, I still feel like shit.

But I'm gonna try and work thru it. I'm gonna try and be happy for her. But not today.

In other news, I called and requested my IVF drugs today. Two weeks from today I start Lupron.

Yay. It's hard to be excited after vomiting in my own shower today.

What I've been up to...

2011-10-23T17:37:00.001-05:00

So I know I've been gone but I had an awesome summer. Involving this:

(hi mom)

Last week we took Mille to the dog park. She couldn't figure out how to pick her ball out of the water, it was kinda funny.

I also made this....

I'm posting it again because I'm really damn proud of it. And it's a hint on what my next post is about...

Has anyone carved anything else fun?

Hello world

2011-10-16T20:43:00.001-05:00

So it's been forever guys! But I'm going to try and blog again because I need the creative outlet and I really do love it when I put out something OUT THERE...into interweb space!

Speaking of creative outlets, look what I did today:

Yeah that's right it's a Minnesota Gophers pumpkin. And if you follow college football at all you know at least some of the next 3 facts:

1. Our last coach was a no talent hack named Tim Brewster and he left us no talent on the bench.
2. Our new coach is a by the book, humble, fundemental coach with a record of success at smaller schools. But he has seizures...sometimes during the game (love you Coach Kill).
3. We are terrible.

But I have Gopher gear, some tickets and pride in my team no matter what so we are just trying to survive! I am really excited about next weeks game against Nebraska. Why is that? We have tickets, a tailgate pass and get to hang out with my dear friend Real Housewife in Minnesota! Her husband is the ultimate Husker fan and it should be a fantastic day of food, friends and football.

In other news, we are gonna make some test-tube babies! We start out cycle in November and the Mr. is super excited about giving me some PIO shots in my booty. He's been practicing his dart throws...lol.

More on that next time. Have an excellent week!

Let's get back together

2011-10-10T22:08:00.001-05:00

It's been awhile. You've been busy, I've been busy. You've been blogging. I've been reading ( I swear!). I just wanna hang out again. I miss you. I hope you've missed me. Let's just take it slow, see how it goes.

I really want this to work. Xoxo. You're the Best.

Sometimes...

2011-06-29T18:37:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when you rip off the band aid you still bleed.

Just found out a very very close friend is pregnant. I said I'm happy for them... But I don't feel happy, at all. In fact it had been a good month or two since I've had a good infertility cry, and now this has opened the floodgates. I hurt, my heart hurts. And I want to be happy for them, but more than that I need to be able to be happy... But I'm just feeling sad. I feel like a broken toy, physically and emotionally. And I don't feel fixable. And all the good, and fun, and ambitious things I have happening feel small and pathetic and sad.

And now I just want to have our laid back summer of fun be done and us get to our fertility treatment fall...

Arg.

Escalator Menstration

2011-06-16T21:05:00.001-05:00

I probably should have put a comma in the title. I have not menstrated specifically on an escalator, however in general it's probably happen. No, those are the two topics of my post today...WAIT! Don't run away, it is interesting! I promise...err at least amusing-ish.

I love my new job. I love the big company feel, corporate atmosphere, tremendous opportunities, smell o money in the air... I love it! However there is a downfall: my irrational fear of escalators. You see each day when I wander in from whatever corner of the world I decided to park in (which btw doesn't bug me), I have to go up three escalators to get to my floor, then to get to the other building or any of the amenities of this amazing complex, I have to go down at least two escalators, and of course headed out back in the evening back down all three. That means on an average day I have to ride at least TEN escalators!

Now I'm sure you all are judging me for this but don't worry, I'm judging me too. Actually I'm just blaming my mom. See I would never have my shoes tied, or at least tied well when I was young. So she would yell at me to tied them, often with a threat I would lose a limb, foot, toe, face, etc. on the escalator if my laces were untied. I'm pretty sure the discussions were laced with graphic imagery as well. But somehow, the lace lesson never stuck, just the fear. So now as I approach every escalator I do a nervous tap dance of sorts and have a mini panic as I place my foot on. As I get off the dance is smoother but the panic still there. I try to keep a good distance away from other riders so they don't notice I'm insane. I really need to get over this soon, before people start seeing this as a reflection on my competence.*

*yes, we do have elevators but only the bitchy old ladies use them.

So speaking of bitches, and on to old Aunt Flo! She came today. Don't be sad, the husband and I weren't "connecting" at the right times last month so a pregnancy would have been shocking. I would have probably questioned him about the things he did while I was sleeping. But what is puzzling is that it came today...at 27 days. Last month was 34 days. My range is usually 28-30 days, but now I want to dig back and see if I'm really as consistent as I think. It just makes me paranoid because my fluxing cycle lengths lead to my misdiagnosis of PCOS, and also worried that something from the surgery in January could be throwing me off. Depending on how next week goes at work, I might schedule my first my appointment with the new RE for sooner than later. I need to settle in a bit first before I start down that path again.

I will post my cycle lengths in a future post, and maybe you guys can give me some advice.

Arg. At least summer is here.

Holy Moly I'm on the move!

2011-06-12T20:54:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been MIA. Its been busy and my slowing metabolism has made me lazy and uncreative. But more on that later.

Who wants to hear my announcement??!??!? And today you will! I got a new amazing job! The last 4 months I've been working for a foundry as the safety director. But, I had interviewed with a giant awesome insurance company before starting at the foundry for a job doing loss control. But it was for a development program and it got canceled. So I took the foundry job. But then Kazaam! they called and said "come on board Leah, program is on." So I'm going to work here:

Its a hint... To protect the innocent a.k.a. Me, we will not be mentioning said insurance company's name.

So this job is a great move for me for several reasons:
1. Great career move! Well yeah but probably the most vanilla reason. Boring.
2. I won't smell like burnt metal at the end of everyday. The foundry melts metal into shapes and this process produces several smells which stick to your clothes, hair and skin. Several romantic interludes have been ruined by my husband saying, "Baby, you taste like metal..."
3. Foundries make you fat! Ok that might be a stretch, but I definitely gained about 15 lbs whilst employed there. The combination of mornings too early (for me) to make a lunch, nothing but fast food restaurant nearby and 30 minute breaks took a toll on my metabolism. Plus some mornings when I was extra tired I would MickyD breakfast it. Don't judge me. My new job has dirt cheap Weight Watchers and a gym onsite. So we are excited to get skinny again.
4. No more small business crazies... With smaller companies there are some tendencies for crazies, but I'll elaborate at another time.
5. More infertility benes! $20k more if we switch over and it's based somewhere where they can't take that coverage away...I think. Anyways, YAY! It makes our two cycles with our current insurance seem less scary.
6. New Suits! "Suit Up!"
7. Travel. Once a quarter I get to head to the East Coast for training and networking.
And reasons 8,9 and 10 I'm sure are awesome but I can't think of them right now.

Anyways, I start tomorrow, wish me luck!

IComLeavWe: May 2011: My beer was taken in the Rapture

2011-05-22T11:23:00.002-05:00

This is my first time iCom-ing and I'm already a day behind. I was going to blame the rapture, but apparently I will have to wait to start looting WASPs, because they are all still here. Frankly if the rapture happened, I think God should take His Chosen People, because the Jews haven't gotten a heck of a lot of mileage out of that yet. If I wasnt into Jesus I would totally be Jewish. But we can talk about my love affair with all things Kosher in another post. Shalom.

My Husband got his MBA yesterday and I also hosted a Bridal Shower for my dear friend Rachie! So it was an exciting day filled with mimosas, champagne and equal amounts of Mich Golden Light. Don't judge me, I'm thirsty...And menstruating.

I still have some exciting news but, I'm not sharing it yet...is the suspense killing you yet? Thought so!

But in other news, let's talk about my empty uterus. We have been going to the best RE in Minnesota up until now. I mean the man has stats! If there was a draft of Reproductive Endocrinologists, he would own the first round. But since the business of making Babies is apparently quite lucrative, especially if you are the LeBron James of IVF, then why would you contract with insurance companies. So he is sadly out of network, although only for IVF. I had to explain this silly arrangement 3 times to my Husband before he figured out the economics of it. So we are packing up our sad little ovaries and heading to another clinic. Still a good clinic, but it feels like starting over. Maybe we'll find something out new there though! Ahh, feel those gentle rays of optimism...don't they feel good folks?

Ok, well enough about me, I have ONE MILLION blogs to read and comment on... Oh wait, just twelve, sorry I keep forgetting the rules! Happy ICLW!!!

I'm here

2011-05-18T21:41:00.001-05:00

Well as you can see, I failed the 10 Day Challenge. But it was for good reason. Which I can't tell you about, yet. No, I'm not with child, I would be broadcasting that news all over this joint.

So be patient, I'll explain soon...

The Infertility Contract -- Blogger -- FertilityAuthority.com

2011-05-07T09:24:00.000-05:00

The Infertility Contract -- Blogger -- FertilityAuthority.com

Day 2!

2011-05-06T20:12:00.001-05:00

9 Things I love (not necessarily in this order...)

1) Admir

2) Millie our dog

3) My In laws...and I truly mean it!

4) Mom...she is my bestie, and she always listens and answers my calls and pretends to care as a ramble...which I do a lot.

5) Buffalo sauce, no explanation needed. Sh*t is amazing.

6) iPad, it's like my baby, sometimes I love it more than Admir. It's ok though because he gave it to me...so that love transfers.

7) My Engagement Ring, my mother in law has good taste... Oh and my husband too.

8) Babies, which is unfortunate because there is a baby drought at my house.

9) Trips, yay travel!

Day 2 list done! Yay!

10 Day U Challenge

2011-05-05T22:51:00.001-05:00

Feeling a little lame so hoping this will jumpstart some creativity. Here goes, 10 secrets:

1) Sometimes I don't brush my teeth... And sometimes could be more then it should be.

2) My dog eats my underwear. It's gross.

3) I'd rather be completely full of shit then wrong when arguing, however when proved wrong I'd willingly fall on my own sword

4) I sometimes think I absolutely suck at being an adult.

5) I pick my nose...and eat it.

6) I'd like to be more adventurous...in my private life. ::wink wink::

7) I like terrible TV. Today I watched Real World and Too Cute Kittens and it was the highlight of my day.

8) I love my boobs, maybe not a secret...

9) I frequently have pretend conversations with others in my head where I make witty or biting responses to fictional situations with others. I'm such a weirdo.

10) I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Ok, well... Awkward. I feel like I'm naked in a room full of people. With webcams. So I'm gonna go.

Roomba, Millie, And Mirrors

2011-05-04T20:06:00.001-05:00

Things my nephew thinks are entertaining: roomba, Millie the dog, mirrors.

And I think he know iPhones take pictures. Babysitting was badass. My husband came home from happy hour in little bit of a "happy" state, but he was still really cute with the baby.

For a second I let myself pretend this was my little family. And it wasn't sad, it was promising. I know this will happen, and someday, this will be real. I'm not pretending anymore, I'm not going to sit in the backseat of this journey. And if we aren't pregnant through whatever means we have then we start trying to adopt.

Anyways, back to baby Tiago...he's cute. But we had him pretty late so I was tired today. And then I thought about having a baby. And being tired everyday...ugh. Just kidding, so worth it. Anyways, my drowsy state has sucked all the wit and sarcasm out of me and thus my blogging. So that is all for today. Later.

I did it...

2011-05-03T20:03:00.001-05:00

I finally stole a baby...And he's a cute one!

Just kidding, he's rented. It's my birth sister's 7 month old Tiago... No one would believe he was ours anyways, you see those peepers! Admir and I are squinty eyed folks, at least in comparison.

I'm pretty excited about all the feedback I got from coming out during NIAW...it was neat. Now I'm not sure what comes next. I mean everyone knows, everyone knows it sucks...moving on. And we have another consult about what comes next on May 12.

But now the baby is crying...gotta go!

Bust-A-Myth: IF I don't talk about it, it's not Real...

2011-04-28T19:08:00.001-05:00

I love to play pretend. Since I was little I loved my Play Skool Kitchen and Cabbage Patch dolls. Sometimes I would stick my little belly out and hold it in my palms pretending I was pregnant with one of my dolls. And now older, and with a much bigger belly, I still pretending, with my palms around my belly, looking longingly at the mirror, wishing there was a little life inside of me... Instead of feeling so empty.

So I pretend. I go through most days not thinking about it more than just a moment. Sometimes I have whole days and weekends I don't even remember I'm infertile. I just am me, and that pregnancy, that real baby in my belly, is just around life's next corner. And so I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell people. I don't want to go back to my RE. Because my myth is: if I don't talk about it, it's not really happening. It's not real.

During National Infertility Awareness Week, Resolve.org asked us infertiles to bust some of the myths that surround infertility, to help raise awareness. And while there are so many myths the general population believes about infertility, I want to focus on one at the heart of the struggle to raise awareness about infertility. It's the myth we tell ourselves, the myth our families comply with because they think it helps, the myth that makes everyone else so much more comfortable...if we put our infertility in the corner, if we ignore it, it we never, ever, mention it...then our infertility doesn't exist.

But the truth is it doesn't go away. And occupying ourselves with distractions and avoiding it won't get us pregnant. A couple is diagnosed with infertility after one year of trying to conceive unsuccessfully. About ninety percent of couples get pregnant during that first year. So what's left is us, the infertile. And out of us, only five percent will get pregnant without some kind of treatment or medical intervention. And sadly but understandably, often when we finally get pregnant, some of us choose to close the door on the pain and forget about our struggle. Like it never existed. So when we ignore it, when we suffer silently, we do nothing for ourselves, our cause, our disease, our future families...we are just pretending.

But like when I was a kid, I could only play pretend so long before the dolls and fantasies no longer interested me. I don't want to play pretend anymore. Living with the myth isn't helping anyone. Living with the truth of my infertility will be what helps me take the path to my future family.

Learn more about infertility at:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

And learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW) at:
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Infertility A to Z

2011-04-26T20:57:00.001-05:00

Saw this on Josey's blog and she saw it on Liz's blog and the way this is going it's going to be like an the infertile STD, but with less fluid transfer. Anyway, read both their blogs when you are done reading this.

A. Age when you start ed TTC: On my 25th birthday...more or less.

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: As if it wasn't hard enough to get everyone in the mood without giving it a cutesy name. These days it's called "doing it". And when I refer to getting everyone in the mood I mean getting the mister to turn off (or at least turn down) the TV; acting like I'm really into "doing it" and not the cervical mucus I could jump rope with; and lastly pushing Millie off the bed, or at minimum out from under the covers before it gets weird. I will reference the BD in blogging from time to time. Gotta know the lingo...

C. Children wanted: 4, downgraded from 5... Mr. wants 2, but right now we just want to get the first 1...

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: One fur baby, Millie the Schnoodle, or as Admir calls her the schnauzer-poodle (he doesn't like saying Schnoodle). She owns us, dang 10 lbs of fur-fun!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Used to carry grandma's day of the week pill case full of all the TTC magic vitamins but have paired it down lately to just a B complex for my lady-bits. I also occasionally pop some M (mucinex) for that jump roping CM. Lastly my MIL gave me Bosnian Catmint tea which is pretty much the same thing as catnip. In Bosnia it is know for it's fertile qualities, although I've never read anything in English confirming that. Still I'll drink it until a ferrel cat attacks me, because my MIL is the best.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid and Ovedril during my last iui. Would like to take some Clomid without treatment because I think I can decide my own damn treatment at this point, however my doctor thinks otherwise...Fascist. Catnip.

G. Gain: Put on 10 sad bunny pounds over the winter...but yoga-ing them off!

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Other than my angry cervix, (it cramps up as soon as you even meantion catheter..ouch) it was all clear!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: I am over the "there is a plan" response. I am trying to be a good God fearing/loving person but if someone meantions that damn plan again I will cut them.

J. Job title: Safety Director, who gets a card on Admin Day, because I have boobs. People are stupid.

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: HA! yeah right, all you IF bitches keep getting pregnant (Yay! I am really really happy for you!) but I'm not putting my prime, grade A, baby nameage out here so you can poach them. They are badass names.

L. Length of time TTC: 24 months. Fail.

M. Miscarriages: None, that would require pregnancy. It's really pathetic... Sometimes I think maybe I'd face a miscarriage to know I could get pregnant. So sad... I don't like the conversations I have with myself.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Two OB/GYNs, one RE, one Therapist, who I quit...and of course still on husband #1.

O. Ovarian quality: Had laproscopic in January, which removed some endometriosis from righty, otherwise it's all good.... I think. I don't trust doctors anymore. Fascists!

P. POAS or wait for AF: I used to poas all the time. I bought a bunch of cheap tests off the Internet and got my pee on on...but that got old so I stopped. These tests have now expired. The best part of my day is staring into the linen closet looking a a bag of 30ish expired no name pregnancy tests while I get my towel. Yet I won't throw them out.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Anyone who uses Facebook as a forum strictly to complain about their kids. I get it, your kids suck. I get one week on Facebook to talk about infertility, NIAW... so how about I give you one week to talk about your sucky kids, NSKAW, National Sucky Kids Awareness Week, and then you shut the Flute up!

S. Sperm: After 3 round of testing they tell us they are all good!

T. Time you tried naturally: Does that mean without meds or without treating it like a damn science project; complete with charts, schematics, and a lunar calendar? We did a year of heavy charting, then cooled off because some assholes kept telling us to relax, and then the one iui. Now we chart...via iPhone...ohh la la.

U. Uterus quality: Tilted???

V. Vagina: Busy, at least 3-4 days a month.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Just one thing, for the day I tell my husband he's a dad.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? As of 3 hours ago...everyone I know on Facebook. Yay, NIAW!

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though some one sees your lady parts most months?): Yep! It's covered and maybe she'll find a baby up there...

Z. Zits: Just enough to keep me angry at them.

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?

Crush

2011-04-21T22:27:00.001-05:00

Faintest snow keep falling.
Hands around your waist.
Nameless, standing cold.
Take in restraint like a breath.
My lungs are so numb from holding back.
Walk close to the fence.
Feel it hit your clothes.
Turn and smile nice.
Smile say goodnight.
Say goodnight in a breath.
Simple discourse breaks you clean in half.
Regret.
Do try it once and then you know.
Your move.
Settle for nothing less again.

Jimmy eat world

It's been a weird week. I have tomorrow off. Good day to think, pray, blog maybe...

You Know You Are Infertile When...

2011-04-20T19:41:00.001-05:00

You know you are infertile when:

-You take a couple months of blogging and you come back and all the blogs you were following are all pregnant...you bitches! (j/k)

-You no longer are just resenting baby showers and have moved to being irritated by weddings...those bitches will be pregnant before the new year.

-you have the urge to slap almost anyone holding a baby. (except you Sarah...you don't apply because you are my best cheerleader)

-you hold your dog like a baby...she likes it though!!!

- your head is filled with useless knowledge about sperm, ovaries, chemicals, procedures, etc... None of which is doing a damn thing to actually help you get pregnant! (at least I know what morphology is...so helpful)

-you make a plan to move forward with life with or without babies, then you revise it 500 times for the just in case plan...

-no matter how much you actually move forward with life, you still feel like you are on pause while everyone else moves on fast forward...

Learn more about infertility at Resolve.org.

Back To Basics

2011-04-19T22:07:00.001-05:00

Foiled again. Just had a huge "discussion" about not working if we had twins with my better half. A stalemate has occurred. Suppose we need to figure that out first. I'm never going have kids at this rate. FML

If you’re still in, I’m still in.

2011-04-19T21:42:00.001-05:00

If you’re still in, I’m still in. ~ Juno

Ironic that Juno comes to mind when I started to think about this post. But I love that movie, and not for Juno but for Vanessa. I get her. I always think of my own adoption.

So we work out the details of what this means and when we are ready...and when it's a go, we go all in.

Hannah Weeps

2011-04-18T20:14:00.001-05:00

And bring on the tears. I was feeling apprehensive about starting the first of our 5 remaining iui attempts covered under insurance and now I come to find out that we don't have 5 as of Jan 1... We have two cycles of coverage. But that coverage includes ANY type of infertility treatment including IVF. 2 cycles of IVF for free. But I'm not ready for that... I wanted to work my way up the infertility hierarchy of treatment not dive in. And now I'm that spoiled bitch who complaining about free IVF.

I feel bad even blogging about it but I'm not ready for IVF. And I haven't reconciled my faith with my infertility. And I don't know how to feel about extra embryos or multiples or donation. I just wanted to be turkey bastered with some sperm. But now it's so heavy again. 6 hours ago I thought the iui felt kind of heavy but now that seems like feathers compared to the brick on my chest over two cycles. 60 days. Thousands of dollars worth of treatment others are dreaming about. Will I be ok with the guilt of any decision?

I'm going to my RE tomorrow and until then I pray and sleep.

All Things I... India, iPad, IUI

2011-04-17T12:34:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I quit blogging. And than I said I'd be back but I never came back. So sorry about that. But it wasn't in vain, I did find a new job, which made me happier! But then I was busy with that. And realistically, that wasn't why I didn't come back...it's because my laptop left with the old job. As much as we all became close when I was blogging, not enough to keep that job for the laptop. And using the desktop isn't fun... Seems too much like work!

But here I am, blogging. Why you may ask??? I got a birthday iPad! It is the coolest thing ever and now I can watch HGTV and blog again! Ahhh perfection.

So what else is new? We went to India for two weeks and it was amazing. Some friends got married there and we were so fortunate to have their hospitality during the trip. It was a beautiful. It is a whole different world though. If we end up adopting, it's going to be from India. So much poverty! I will never see the world the same after that trip. People in America have no idea how good we have it here...

Lastly today is Day 1 on our 2nd IUI attempt. Tuesday is the baseline ultrasound and then on with the Clomid. Wish me luck!

Missed you all!!!

I'm Back!

2010-09-30T20:59:00.002-05:00

Ok I'm kinda back... I've had a half of bottle of wine tonight so I dunno if this means anything...but I think my name isn't associated anymore with the blog and I need some serious blog therapy...

So more to come...maybe...

Changes

2010-07-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

The blog has moved. I also had to delete it for a day and lost all your wonderful comments. But Thank YOU so much for all of them. I also quit twitter. But why?

While in Boston I thought long and hard about where my life was at and what I wanted...other than a baby...

And although I can't say what yet it is, it required me to go a little covert for a while.

I will tell you what it is, if it actually happens.

I will keep up blogging and if you can still find me, please let everyone know where I went. And please don't meantion my full name if you know it at all.

OliveLeah works for me...

Thanks all! Much Love!

BETA: Fail

2010-07-02T12:04:00.001-05:00

I am again with the empty uterus. I'm going to have a great trip in Boston, have a relax natural cycle...lose that last 7-8 pounds and enjoy Minnesota's beautiful summer.

Hopefully today will be full of fun not tears.

Happy Fourth of July!

CD 23 (i think) 11 DPiui: One more day

2010-07-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have INTERNET!!!! I've been out on this project all week...mostly with sketchy internet... but i moved my station to the other side of the building and there is WI-FI!!! Yay!!!! A little late in the game but oh well...

Yesterday I had a slight reprieve and got to go sit in the second row for a Twins game. SOO MUCH FUN!!!! We sat next to some married guys in their 40s and they travel around as much as they can going to every baseball stadium in the country. One guy only had 6 left to go to. They were super funny and nice and were from South Carolina...so my group was fascinated with their accent and they were fascinated with our Minnesota Os. lol.

Tomorrow is the Beta. And I am neutral right now. Not feeling positive or negative. Hopeful, but realistic. I feel like I need to be here so I don't drown myself in in-flight Chardonnay if the answer isn't what I wanted. And I've been POAS....all FN. I'm not calling them BFN because I'm still going to say that they aren't big until after tomorrow. Although we could call FN="f*cking negatives" which maybe worse...lol.

And I hate FertilityFriend for convincing me that I should hope for a 9DPO BFP! They should make a site called InFertilityFriend that tells me only Fertile FREAKS get 9-11DPO BFP... Whose in web design? Let's do this!!!

So this is my last real post til next week. I am going to make two entries today for tomorrow, one positive and one not positive. If it is GOOD NEWS and you know me in real life... please don't spill the beans to everyone yet. I want to keep anything under wraps for a couple weeks.

XOXO all, have a Happy Fourth and good luck with all your POAS, ovulations, drugs, Baby-dancing or just taking a break and enjoying the holiday!

PS Husband told me to just go buy the damn shoes and of course they are sold out in my size EVERYWHERE... even online. DANG!

CD 16 (4 DPiui): Can't decide if this week is going fast or slow!

2010-06-24T20:51:00.001-05:00

It's THURSDAY...My little buns are in 4 days in the oven...Hopefully they are fertilized and sticking! What I can't figure out is if this week is going fast or slow. I was really excited because BOTH my bosses are out of town, Wednesday thru Friday and I thought that would take the pressure off my week but INSTEAD we got a HUGE project that is taking all my attention. But its long hot days in the sun running around taking notes and collecting info and giving info and keeping track of everything. So days go fast but still feel long. I don't even know if that is possible???

Symptom-wise, I had right side cramping Sunday and Monday, probably from all those little clomid eggies breaking out, there were several not viable eggs along with my two winners...Like my mom says, we can't all be winners. Other than that just tired (maybe from work), bloated and a little "blocked up"...but I think those last two are from sticking progesterone up my "kaslopis"...Thanks Chelsea Handler for a great Whoo-haa replacement!

Tonight my husband is fishing with some buddies and it took some soul searching to decide to grace you all with a post. I know, no thanks needed...

Hmmm self, what should I do tonight. I've watched 3 episodes of NCIS so far, time to do something else.

I could go to the gym, core starts at 7...nah my dogs are barking from working all day, and I fell off the workout wagon lately.

I could take some pictures, using my newly acquired photog skills. Yes! Wait, batteries are dead. Crap.

Sewing? Meh, I don't know what I want to make...

I guess I should blog...and WATCH MORE NCIS!!! YES!!! AWESOME

And that is how we got here. I want to blog about some books soon, and maybe some TV shows that aren't NCIS but a girl is tired.

Oh and congrats to Smellanie and her new little baby Lena! And I received Tony and Jessi's wedding invite and am so excited for them! AND CONGRATS TO Pennyroulette on her Wedding Day last weekend! The pictures looked amazing and she had the MOST AMAZING DRESS! And a very cool picture idea! Hopefully she will blog about it soon!

One week and some hours until my BETA!!!!

Side Post: I WANT THESE!

2010-06-24T18:25:00.000-05:00

Oh I found these shoes at DSW when I was shopping for summer wedges and I WANT THEM... But they are $50 and I should be avoiding spending prior to vacation (and finishing the basement). BUT THEY ARE SO PRETTY... Even my mom who is from the "all comfort, my fancy shoes are Keens, keep me away from heels" school of shoes said they were "wierd but fun and cute". Mom, wow! I didn't see you supporting these ever!

So who likes em? Are they worth $50, if anyone finds them online or wherever for under $30 I will mail you a gift, something cool... I can't think of anything for you yet but you find the shoes...I will find a gift for you! Oh man do I want them...oh and they are called the Countess... Like Luanne on RHONY, except with no man voice...

CD 13 (1DPiui): It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN (hopefully)

2010-06-21T22:43:00.000-05:00

Oh man, there is so much to write about! Let's talk about what is going on...

First off, Friday I took my Ovidrel shot. I got it out, cleaned my belly where I was putting it, pinched the skin and COULDN'T DO IT. My whole body tensed up. Luckily, we were at the cabin and my Dad (who was once a medic and also gave my mom lots of shots while they were ttc) took control of the situation. It hurt less than a mesquito bite. I felt like a big baby, however, I still think I wouldn't want to do it to myself in the future. Admir is going to have to take that class if we go to round 2.

Saturday I accomplished a lot! My Dad and I rented a wood splitter and made a whole forest's worth firewood. Well at least a big pile of trees we cut down over the last 10 years. And I hung a tire swing. Which I thought was an awesome idea, until I got on it, and got nauseous. How I used to spin on those for hours as a child, I will never know.

And then it was time for the BIG SHOW...our IUI. We got up on the bright on Father's Day and went in for our appts. When it came time for the insemination we had 24 million sperm and 89% motility! YAY! However, apparently my uterus is tilted and my cervix is angry. Or at least I think it's angry. My HSG in April hurt like hell and in true fashion, when she finally got the catheter up my cervix for my IUI, my uterus went into ultra cramp mode. She took a couple tries to get it bent right to make the curve at the entrance. Hey if the Dr. can't even easily maneuver into my uterus, imagine what the sperm are struggling with. I now blame my infertility on ACTUS... Angry Cervix, Tilted Uterus Syndrome. I think I'm on to something here people. And all the poking around made me spot a bit. Overall though, I am really positive about the cycle. My mom thinks it's going to work too. Hope is a good thing.

Today I started my progesterone suppositories. And I have to tell you, I'm still a little puzzled by them. So I take it, and push it up THERE with my (clean) finger...but how far? It's extremely odd...is it going to fall or drip out? But I guess I have lots more to practice with. Two a day until my beta! Maybe more after that.

Speaking of Beta, the countdown is on!!!!! 11 Days until the BIG test! Admir says I can't use my internet cheapies before then... It's going to be hard but hopefully with all the excitement in the next couple weeks, it will go fast enough not to POAS.

Moving on, I got my Yoga DVD and bracelet from Busted Kate today. Thanks so much!!! I wore my bracelet today with my very zen shirt and felt just like Dina in RHONJ. Now I just need some ugly cats. BTW I love that hot mess of a show!

Speaking of Real Housewives, Jessi from Real Housewife in Minnesota and I went to Digital SLR class today! We are going to take some awesome pictures in Boston over the 4th!!! So excited for our couples trip to Boston!

That's all for now... Have a great night all!

CD10: Happy HAPPY Adoption Day to ME!!!

2010-06-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Adoption Day to me!!! And to Deirdre (Mom) and Ken (Dad)! And Sona (my brother) too! Twenty-six years ago today my parents picked up a eleven week old baby girl from Catholic Charities, and our lives were forever changed and bonded.

Mom and Dad, thank you for everything, seriously...love, support, values, faith, family, hope, joy, discipline, encouragement...everything. You guys are my rock and my world and I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I love you and thank you. And to my birthparents, thanks for the incredible gift and sacrifice.

Moving on... My awesome self created 2 little eggies for my IUI and I take my trigger shot tonight! Happy Adoption Day gift to myself. Best gift EVER!

And for Father's Day we have our IUI...LOL, Happy Father's Day Admir, can I have a sperm sample please? Well if we get pregnant then this can be his first official Father's Day, because we made a baby on it! And we plan on Baby-Dancing too, max out sperm on eggness (and cause it's fun).

We also will find out if we are pregnant on July 2! Before we go to Boston!!! This makes me super excited. That way I can either be sooooo pumped about being pregnant or I can drink wine with Real Housewife on our trip and party my tears away.

OF COURSE, I am all positive energy and KNOW I WILL BE PREGNANT!!!! Here's to hope! Have a great weekend all!

CD 9: Why do my sit bones hurt?

2010-06-17T17:31:00.000-05:00

My butt hurts, like the muscles in the butt...or as my yoga instructor would say my "sit bones". Pretty sure its not clomid-related. But plenty of things still are. I could lie and tell you I wasn't crabby today and didn't have hot flashes...but I did.

For the record, I haven't spent an entire night in the same bed as my husband since Sunday morning. It's not that I don't love him (although with my crankiness, I don't know why he loves me still). I've just been waking up with a hot flash and then the bed is all overly warm and gross and I have to move to the other bed, that is cool and not occupied by another warm, sweaty person. It's been working nicely, although Admir isn't liking it much.

I also would like to meantion, that while I raged at Admir's HR lady, it was not direct. Luckily Admir was filtering the information and emails I was sending to her. Otherwise he might not have a job. He works for a HUGE WORLDWIDE company and they have very strict policies on changing benefits mid-year. However since I was in HR for several years I knew exactly what they needed to get our insurance change complete. His HR lady however, didn't. Idiot. YOU WORK FOR A MASSIVE WORLDWIDE COMPANY, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR JOB??? Luckily after sending her 3 different documents that all said the same thing, she got it. Idiot.

Also I had picked up my Ovidrel shot from the pharmacist when they finally got my prescription right. They threw it all in the bag and handed it to me without a word. This btw cost $51 for the shot and a couple weeks worth of progesterone suppositories, if anyone is interested. I left it in my car. THE SHOT IS SUPPOSED TO BE REFRIGERATED!!!! Thanks for the heads up Walgreens. Luckily, the pharmacy manager agreed to replace it before I resorted to profanity and tears. It would be just my luck that I would inject myself with a faulty shot and not ovulate for my IUI.

In other news that made me want to cry, my engagement ring is bent. The prongs that hold the diamond in are shifted to one side. So I called my husband almost crying and told him. He told me to stop wearing it so much. WTF? Anyways both my wedding ring and engagement ring are in to the jewelers getting fixed, dipped and cleaned. YAY!!! Admir wants to not wear his ring, if I'm not wearing mine. What a turd! Anyways I have a wicked awesome ring-tan, so I said that made me look married enough, but since he was too pasty to have one he could not take his ring off.

That was about all for today. Tomorrow I have a date with a LONG, HARD, LUBED...wand. Hopefully there are 2-4 healthy follicles growing big and strong. :) Wish me luck!!!!

CD 8: I can’t count or control my emoticons

2010-06-16T22:18:00.001-05:00

If you are a dedicated reader, you will notice that the CD numbers have changed since you last visited. No, you aren’t going crazy…I am. And it’s not only effecting my counting but my ability to function in the workplace.

I have been using my emoticons for evil at work. Yesterday I sent a guy in my office several punches and several rolling eyes. Because I’m annoyed with him, but yesterday I was SEETHING. Luckily I just learned how to do the finger today, when my emoticons are back in check.

However my emotions are nothing close to in check. If you come near me please expect one of the following:

Tears
Profanity
Annoyance
Sarcasm
Despair

Not necessarily in that order. Why can’t hormones make you bounce from happy to euphoric to optimistic instead of this bullsh*t.

I have another pharmacist story, but I'm too crabby to blog. Below are the people who received my wrath this week:

Admir
Admir's HR lady
My boss
Coworkers
Walgreens
Random dude driving (but he was driving like an as$hole)
Millie the dog.

Sorry everyone...

CD 6 Ovaries: God's little thermostats

2010-06-14T19:41:00.005-05:00

I am on my 4th day of Clomid, and I think I'm starting to notice the buildup in my system. I had a couple hot flashes over the weekend, but nothing to write home about. But today apparently tipped the scales. I had several FULL BLOWN HOT FLASHES. I had to steal a desk fan from another office. My boss (and uncle) peeked in while I was in the mist of installing it to make a smart remark and I tersely replied:

I need it because these meds are giving me f**king hot flashes!

He tiptoed out at this point. We are at a weird spot anyways in our boss/employee/family relationship.

Just for a quick recap. I work for my uncle... but I was adopted and am working for my biological uncle I met 7 years ago. He's definitely more a boss than an uncle and that is probably on me as much as him. My biological family has been difficult at times but he has never caused me those kind of troubles. Just boss troubles.

He knows that I will not be a full time fixture when I have a baby, so he has always been way more than ok with me not getting pregnant. (Maybe he's sticking BC in my coffee???) And he didn't settle down until he was well over 30, so he's not really supportive of the treatments. In fact I think he hates it and he sure as heck doesn't like my sobbing in the office on occasion. What can I say, I'm a crier!

Add to that, that our HR girl had a couple surgeries, one elective and one that wasn't and he said he was ok with helping with her schedule but then held it over her head everyday for like 2 months. I am not going to take that. He won't fire me because he relies on me too much but he is not ever above bullying me. So we have that to look forward to.

Beyond the hot flashes and weird moments at work, I also took my shot class today. I learned how to give myself all sorts of shots although I hope I just have to do the trigger shot and not graduate to any of the other drugs. Progestrone Oil in the a$$ sounds so icky...

Admir couldn't make it to class so now I must do the deed (give the shot) to myself. I'm not excited. But I think I have a week or so before I have to take the plunge...literally.

And that was my day. Thanks ovaries for the time in Rio today... or should I say:

Gracias.

CD3...Intimate Moments with Wandy

2010-06-11T20:03:00.004-05:00

This morning I had my baseline ultrasound.

Its so wierd having a pelvic ultrasound. The technician just slips it in and starts waving it around up there in your ladyparts.

Hey, were you going to warm up the oven first? You can't just start running that wand around like a joystick on Final Fantasy...I don't care if you lubed it, I forgot to empty my bladder and the pressure is building!

So that was the my morning. She did give me a warm wash cloth to clean up afterwards. That was sweet of her.

Afterwards I got a consult, prescription and a goodbye kiss. Well, not the kiss.

Then I went to Walgreens to get my Clomid, Prometrium and Ovidrel. This would have been fine if Walgreens wasn't stupid. They called my name but the pickup desk was really busy so she waved me down to the drop off window.

So, you took prometrium orally last time you were on it...are you sure its supposed to be the OTHER way?

Yes, that is what the prescription says.

Oh, ok, if you're sure. So this shot is just one shot right, because I didn't know if it was.

How about this, you give me the Clomid and then call my Dr and figure out what goes where and how much because the little old lady behind me is confused what hole she should stick her meds in now.

Ok, your total is $1.57.

WTF...Ok I lied about the little old lady but everything else is almost verbatim of what happened. First off, do you think I would have asked for oral prometrium if I would of had the choice...OF COURSE, but up the Whoo-Haa is the way they wanted it. Also, really you can't figure out the shot? There is no way I'm plunging that into my thigh, ass or belly if you aren't sure if it's right. Lastly, DANG Clomid is cheap! Too bad everything thing else for infertility is rediculously expensive...

Hey I'll take the 99 cent sperm wash please. Oh and the turkey bastering is 2 for $20? Great, sign me up for a 4-pack.

And that was my day.

The Last Glass

2010-06-10T21:13:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I am having the LAST GLASS of WINE. It is Day 2 of our FIRST (and hopefully ONLY) IUI cycle. Tomorrow I go in for my baseline ultrasound.

And I have to say... I AM EXCITED!!!! And I know I wasn't before and it's taken me a couple weeks to warm up to it, I'm ready to TRY something new. And we've found a way to MAXIMIZE our INSURANCE so I'm really hopeful that this WILL HAPPEN.

Am I scared:
-that some people who find out will judge us...because we didn't have sex for baby
-that people will pity us if they find out
-that future children will mean going through all this again
-that our kids will feel strangely about being IUI babies as adults
-that this won't work

And I know that some of these are irrational or just plain bizarre, but who hasn't had these. I mean isn't that what all us IF girls hate most...the feelings we can't control on this journey. If we could control our damn emotions it would make the waiting and the trials and everything so much easier.

So I'm not thinking these things after tonight. I'm toasting to letting them go tonight with my LAST GLASS. And I'm toasting to my little MARCH baby and all the goodness and love and prayers from all of you.

Tomorrow it is all about making this the BEST CYCLE ever. Healthy food, vitamins, positivity and exercise. And I'll be exercising with my NEW YOGA DVD that I won from BUSTED PLUMBING and DUCKFEST!!

I'm going to Bend, Breath and Conceive my ASS off this cycle. Cheers!

NEW FORMAT!!!!

2010-06-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

Okay everyone...this format is IT!!!! I love it and I hope it sticks! but i really want to add a nav bar and the about me page and such. Any help anyone???

Macaroni art

2010-06-09T14:28:00.000-05:00

Remember when you would make macaroni art for your mom when you were little? And all the effort and love and heart you put into it? And how your Mom knew exactly how hard you worked on it for her and how much you loved her because you tried soo hard on it!

I wish I knew what equaled the feelings of macaroni art for husbands. Because sometimes texting him love notes doesn't seem like it's enough. I want to make a macaroni noodle love note and leave it on his pillow...

But I think it would just weird him out.

Wordless Wednesday: We are going to do the IUI

2010-06-09T08:49:00.002-05:00

HELP!

2010-06-02T16:53:00.002-05:00

My blog looks like SHIT... and everytime I try to redo it I like it less...

I want it simple and pretty and olivey. If you can help me with the HTML and design....PLEASE LET ME KNOW

Personal Ter.ro.rist

2010-06-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

I am my own personal te.rro.rist, seriously. I took an internet cheapy last night, FAIL and today at lunch, FAIL.

And I'm already thinking I should call my clinic and see if just clomid without an IUI is something we could start. Why? Because I'm thinking my Uterus is again an vast empty cavern full of nothing but cobwebs and broken dreams. Why do I think that, because I got a fail at 9DPO... I still have 6 days until I have my period. Because I checked Fertility Friend for stats and a WHOLE 18% of people who were pregnant who tested and recorded on 9DPO had BFP... isn't that the most rediculous stat ever...it's not even useful, and even if it was 18% isn't a earth shattering statistic...JEEZ

I went from thinking pre-testing that I would be one of the lucky ones who got the early BFP to already planning for next cycle.

Personal Mental Ter.rori.st.

Bahh!

PCO WHAT?

2010-06-01T16:15:00.001-05:00

I had mentioned it before but want to bring it up again because how tough it was to hear and to go through. And getting the run around with diagnosis was the worst and in hindsight I would have taken steps sooner to find out for sure if we had had it.

We started practicing NFP about 7 months before we got married, it was part of our marriage prep thru our church and something I really wanted to do. So I started charting. My very nice NP that taught us thought my charting looked funny after about 6 months and ordered some blood work about a month before our wedding.

Looking back at those charts, they really weren't that weird. A couple cycles over 32 days, one under 27 days but considering the stress of the wedding and everything it wasn't that off. And there was a beginners curve there too. I think most of what made it look weird was my inexperience at charting.

Anyways, the blood work came back with some hormone levels that were switched of where they were supposed to be. This is supposedly a marker of PCOS. So we scheduled a visit with the same clinic's doctor. He didn't even look at our chart beforehand and didn't tell us anything. He was just aweful and I think if my husband could have he would have punched him he would have.

I was so upset be everything. At this point I was weeks away from my wedding and was terrified something was wrong with me and I wouldn't be able to have babies. Not what you want to hear before you get married. This stayed with me until we started to try and beyond. Lots of tears folks.

My NP also thought I had luteal phase defect and put me on progesterone when we did start trying. I was on it for 3 months and hated the way i felt. My husband, still bitter from the visit a year before told me to get off it and get a new doctor. My new Dr and NP were very good but didnt want to explore my pcos until getting pregnant wasn't happening. Because I didnt have any symptoms, my charting now was completely normal and my LP looked great they didnt think it would affect my fertility.

And now i know it didn't. We got a pelvic ultrasound and saw my ovaries are in fact, all normal. I could kick myself for not doing it sooner. I always had the option but because my new Dr said PCOS wasn't causing problems i didn't. But I think the peace of mind of knowing I don't have it is really worth it. Because now I know that it is 100% not behind my fertility problems, and anything I can strike off the list, especially something like PCOS that there isn't a great understanding of, is worth knowing.

Knock Knock Uterus, anyone home?

2010-06-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

It is 8 Days past ovulation, And I'm getting excited and nervous and skeptical and scared and hopeful and apprehensive. I had a wonderful weekend with the husband and friends including the lovely Jessi whose blog you should all check out.

It was a good distraction from my TWO WEEK WAIT. And I know haven't really been that excited about any of my cycles lately but I am about this one.

Why? Because of a couple reasons:

It's my first good cycle since my HSG. And all the wives tales and urban myths say that is all you need sometimes, clear those tubes out, get the cobwebs out and such. So maybe...

I signed up for Short Term Disability, and this would be the only cycle that I would be ineligible for it during maternity leave, my theory that life is always balancing the good with the bad and bad with the good (why roses have thorns) says I will get pregnant now. It's complete BS but it would figure.

I've been so GOOD to my BODY! Working out, eating lots and lots of fruits and veggies!

Because I'm not ready to do IUIs...I know it's silly but I just want this whole IF thing to be a mistake, a dream, not real.

So I'm not going to lie, the POASfest starts tomorrow. I bought 50 internet cheapies at the bargain price of $10 and I'm gonna use them. And I'm not going to let a BFN dampen my spirits. At least I hope not.

Diet Fail

2010-05-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

Well actually not but I did have a massive Chicago Dog last night and a couple beers.

Today I had a massive cheeseburger and chips and CHEESE CUBES and considering the amount of healthy food I've been eating, i feel a little guilty (and a little sick) for gorging myself today and last night.

And only 30 min after my huge gross lunch I feel sick and heavy. Not like fat heavy but "Gosh my legs don't want to hold up my bloated tummy" and "my eyes don't want to hold up my drowsy lids" heavy.

Yoga will be a challenge, especially since I haven't gone all week. Hopefully it will take me out of the food coma I can feel myself falling into.

Back on track for Memorial day and working to lose that last 5-8 lbs! First Day of Summer, look out! I'm going to be supa-fly for you this year!

6 YEARS!

2010-05-24T17:25:00.000-05:00

Today is a big day.

It is the 6 year anniversary of my start date at my job. SIX YEARS! I haven't done anything for six years:

No occupation (Birth til preschool) 4 Years
Preschool: 1 year
Edgewood Elem: 4 years
Wilsonville Primary: 2 years
Van Wyke Jr High: 2 Years
High School: 4 Years
Aquinas College: 2.5 Years
Admir: 4 Years
Numerous part time jobs, no longer than 4 years...

It feels weird. In a way good because I have accomplished a lot of different things in this time. Bad because I really feel like I should be making more, doing more, being more in my career. 2 years ago I was doing really well for my age but now I feel like 6 years somewhere else I would be much more of a mover and shaker. I feel good about the experience and what I have accomplished for this company but I also feel like I should be moving on now. But I can't. Because I was going to have a baby, and they were going to let me be really flexible in my job when that baby came.

So I guess I'm in limbo. But DAMN six years...THAT IS SOO LONG!

I'm married to this guy...

2010-05-24T09:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget how awesome that is. Love you Admir!

My skinny A**

2010-05-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Sunday! I am back at wedding weight! And I feel great! I actually love working out! It feels so good. This is a whole new place for me. I'm really happy about it. I don't think I'll make my 135 by Memorial Day but I do think I will be under that in a couple more weeks which will be something I haven't experienced in adult life. I am super fortunate to always been relatively thin, but I've always had some extra soft areas and have never relished working out. High School there was always a sport or team to work out for but this is all me and it feels soooo good!

Also this morning I had tons of perfect CM! I know, kinda gross but kinda wonderful. From what I can tell is my OPK peaked yesterday and I think I ovulated today. I actually had some cramps today that COULD have been ovulation cramps, but I have no idea. It also could have been gas. :P So lets hope we made a baby this morning and we will do a little Baby Dance tonight as well... Ah Hope, its soo good to feel positive again!!!

Hump Day

2010-05-19T16:42:00.002-05:00

So I had a meh Monday.

But it got better that night because i went to the gym and rocked it like some obsessed gym zombie.

2 hours bitches. 75 minutes of yoga, 30 of core, 15 min of chatting with my trainer friend (also named Leah) but it was INTENSE CORE BUILDING CHATTING...or maybe not.

Tuesday was better. Except for the 6am wake up call. And when i slit my finger open on a razor.

No it wasn't intentional or part of some wierd bonding ritual like on the YaYa Sisterhood or the Craft.

Trying to minimize the time spent preping at home for my presentation tuesday i didn't lotion. I was wearing a very FETCH dress btw. So when I got to my event, I started digging in my gym bag for my lotion. Got the triple edge of my Venus instead.

So entered the event I was a featured speaker at with a gushing finger and ashy legs looking for a bandaid. People were actually very nice and helpful. Apparently it made me more approachable, because I did a damn good job presenting and networking that day. Would cut it again if it didn't hurt so bad. Especially when I type. OUCH!

Then we had a neighborhood meeting about moving forward maybe on a Walgreens on the opposite side of the road that might make our side suck by setting president. It was inconclusive. Admir was bitter after it.

I never did lotion my legs. Now it's Wednesday.

I should be happier about everything

2010-05-17T15:21:00.000-05:00

We had our first appointment with the RE today, and I had my first pelvic ultrasound. On the VERY GOOD NEWS side: I don't have PCOS. I can't tell you how bitter I am and how very very bitter Admir is at the Dr. that told us we had it nearly 2 years ago. Oh the tears and books and dietary changes that could have been avoided. Well, lets be honest here, the dietary changes lasted only a couple of months.

So we can start a Clomid and IUI cycle next month. And the thing is, I'm not sure if I want to. I guess in my head I thought there would be some more middle ground, maybe a little more of a progression, tests or something...but I guess we can just jump right in. In my head I always thought it would just come together, i would be pregnant just in the nick of time, before I really had any infertility treatments... But it might not happen like that and that fact is real now.

So how long do we wait before we jump in? Right now I'm thinking in a couple more cycles. We are getting new insurance that is better anyways in July, and I'm still hoping our HSG cleared out something. And I need to warm up to the idea. I thought I was warmed up but right now it doesn't feel like it. It feels cold and scary and sad.

I should be happy about the fact that we are at a point where we can try something new, but today I'm just not there.

Slimming Down

2010-05-12T09:15:00.001-05:00

I did my weigh in a little late this week because on Sunday I was severely bloated from my AF. I still weighted in a 1/2 lb down. Today I weighed in at ....drum roll please... 140! I have lost 10 lbs in one Month!!! Woot Woot!!! I have been kickin' ass at the gym with not missing a day in 10 days now and over 20 workouts in total! I LOVE YOGA!!! I can feel my abs and my leg fat is getting less noticeable! My jeans all fit again!

Catching up with IF

2010-05-07T15:22:00.000-05:00

So i was going to write a project IF post and all that jazz but I've been busy, and when I wasn't busy I was tired, tired of being un-pregnant and when I wasn't thinking about that I've been working out. I am a person who goes in phases, very few things stick at the same intensity that I start them. However, I would like to say that things do STICK...sometimes. So the working out and weight watchers thing is the PHASE right now. And yes do I know that dieting and working out a ton might not be the key to fertilty, guess what, nothing else has been either mind you.

So anyways, catching up with my IF journey. In early April I got an HSG. That sucker hurts. It is a horrible horrible cramping feeling. The doctor says that some people get that and some don't. The nice radiology student held my hand. I teared up but did not cry. It was over in like 5 minutes and then i had to wipe the sticky brown goo out of my whoo-ha with the equivalency of a baby's burpy and then were a pad for next couple days. I did look up at the screen during and after and saw my uterus. It looked sideways and upside down, that might have been the camera. It also looked small... and empty. And it should have been because I was at day 8. And the doctor said nothing was wrong with it, and my tubes were clear. And it made me happy but also kinda sad because there is still no reason why. And then I decided that I was going to be super healthy that cycle. And avoid all alcohol, caffeine, junk food, bad ju-ju, whatever. And then i got no CM and no ovulation. Well lets rephase that, no ovulation until day 20, and I had already called my doctor with my shitty temps and BDed like 10 times in like 7 days. And mind you that number would not bug me if it wasn't that BDing is not your run of the mill love-making. It's not as fun, and a LOT less effort is put in on both sides. And 2 days after we stop, temps are up. Spirits are down though.

And to make it worse. My lovely Health Insurance isn't going up this year, which is huge for my company, as we were having ruff run lately. But Health Partners is dropping all COVERAGE on Infertility, including diagnosis, drugs and treatment. So we are moving to my husband's coverage. Which is better in some ways but more expensive too. And I wrote the name Health Partners here because in real life I can't complain about them, because they are a big customer of my company. So bitching to them in a letter about how Infertility treatment is NOT A LUXURY SERVICE is pretty much out. Boo.

So my Dr. got me an appointment with an RE for May. We figure we would get stuff started early, and maybe we something GOING before the switch. And that is my update. It's like Day 28 and I feel cranky and have sore bbs like normal but I'm sure I'm 3-7 days off of my AF because of my stupid cycle.

On the upside. I think working out is making me notice some of my PMS less. And I'm trying really hard to control bloat so that it doesn't send me into a week long binge of junkfood and get my awesome wieght-loss and working out plan all messed up. I'm under 142. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I've worked out 18 times, mixing up yoga, core and individual workouts. I did a spin class and was SO BORED. Good workout but not enough going on to keep me entertained. You just bike, but there is nothing to look at. Even if the music is good and the work out is hard, it just doesn't do it for me. CORE I love because its 30 min but its hard, the music is good and its always different. Between that and yoga I can feel my ab and back muscles...Granted there is still a layer over it, but i can flex and feel how hard and strong they are getting. And I know that keeping those muscles in shape will help when I FINALLY GET PREGNANT. I even worked out my work schedule so I can go to daytime core twice a week, and yoga on Fridays at 4:30. I love it.

So that is my life. I'll try and blog more, but lets be honest. I may fail.

This is a lot of work…but kinda amazing…

2010-05-05T13:25:00.002-05:00

I babysat my good friend’s 3 and 1 year old a couple times in the last two weeks. The 4 hour shift were kinda exhausting. You are on from the moment you get there until at least one of them goes to sleep. Eating is impossible. I mean it. It’s really hard. Cutting one’s food and making sure he is eating. Then feeding the little one, your hand covered in banana and meatball bits and you just trying to get a bite in between baby’s bites, and these kids are pretty good. They are pretty happy, polite and not prone to freak out. It makes me think about the tremendous amount work parenthood is. But let me tell you, I really loved watching them. I loved watching their little minds work and their little games. I loved putting them to bed and watching them drift off to dreamland….

I can’t wait.

What If...

2010-04-29T16:25:00.002-05:00

Please please please go to this link and Watch the VIDEO.

http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2010/04/what-if.html

It's been a long time....

2010-04-26T11:35:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged, I've been meaning to but it just has seemed like I havent had the motivation to get into everything that has been going on in our lives. With the HSG, weightwatchers, friends, the house, Lifetime Fitness, sewing, it has seemed awefuly busy lately.

Starting with the easy stuff, my friend Shanna got married to an amazing fellow named Ali last weekend and it was really beautiful. So happy for her and it made me remember how fun and special my own wedding was.

I'm back on Facebook. Ugh. I feel just kinda meh about the whole thing. I changed my name so only my first and middle show up and deleted everyone except immediate family and good friends. It was more so my family could see how to get my blog and I could keep up a little better with everyone. Oh and I deleted my high school, so I wouldn't have a ton of people I haven't seen since 2002 creepin by. I still stand by my stance that Facebook is creepy. Also, I refuse to friend anyone from work. That is just not a line I like crossing.

Weight Watchers is going well, we the exception that in the last week I have lost 0 lbs. WTF? But I do feel like I am eating healthier and eating smaller portions of the not so good foods. I have had tons of weekly points left both weeks I've been doing it. Hopefully results will follow shortly.

Also we joined Lifetime Fitness 12 days ago today. If I go today, I will have worked out 10 times in that time which breaks down into: 6 yoga classes, 1 core class and 3 regular workouts. And it feels great! I love yoga and the gym closest to our house does a great job with it. I did one class at one of the MEGAGYMs Lifetime has around here and it did not impress me, too fast and didn't focus the energy of the class well. If you've done yoga you know how the energy of the room can change how focused and strong your workout is. I also really like going to a class, it gives me a specific time to go and it makes sure i get a full workout, unlike when i just show up and try and push my self for 30 min. I am not a great self motivator when it comes to working out.

My birth-Aunt came into work the other day and gave me a Reiki massage during my lunch hour. It was super relaxing and I think I fell asleep during it. She is really into the Reiki stuff lately and I figured it couldn't hurt. I get a little wierded out by some of the Eastern therapy/spirituality being a fairly active Catholic. So I just made my intentions during it (and yoga) prayers, asking God for what I always ask for...a baby. I think God appreciates me taking any extra opportunity to pray. At least I hope he does.

I also have gotten back into sewing, hung out with some good friends and had a pretty good run. I've been feeling really healthy and good since my HSG. My next post will cover that and adventures in Leah's cycle...

Cross your fingers (and maybe toes) that I get that posted today!

Update tomorrow!

2010-04-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted all weekend about my HSG but I'll give the dirty details tomorrow... not so much dirty as sticky...ish. Anyways just a quick post saying it was "ALL CLEAR" so that is good news. And my first Weight Watchers week went great. I found that instead of eating tiny portions of my bad foods I will just rock apples and strawberries for snacks. Lost 3.5 lbs so far...although I kinda cheated since my starting weight was at Day 2 of my cycle. Thanks bloatiness for boosting my first week results!

See you all tomorrow. Xoxo and good night!

HSG TOMORROW

2010-04-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

My HSG is tomorrow. Admir is coming with and I took the rest of the day off to hang with mom. I know its not a big deal but it feels like it is. Happy thoughts, prayers and goodness....

Twenty-Six

2010-04-12T16:55:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 26 years old. My goal had been to be pregnant by now but since AF came on Saturday that dream was unfulfilled. So now it's time for new dreams and goals. Today I had my first IF testing done, day 3 bloodwork. Friday I go in for my HSG. Hopefully this new path will lead me to my goal of BABY this year. Or at least pregnant.

Beyond my baby goal, I'm going on wieght-watchers with my momma tomorrow. I have gained a lovely 12 lbs since my wedding day and I'm going to lose it, and hopefully more. I would like to be in the 130-135 range. I always had trouble getting lower than 138ish so here's to that.

Next I'm going to get more active! More hobbies, less moping. Work on the lawn, cook better, grow things, sew things, photograph things. And more biking, playing, exercising.

This is going to be a good year folks...

Crap I Need/Want under $20

2010-04-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

I fall into this stupid trap of not buying stuff that I need/want because we are trying to save money, but then I go out and spend $40 on pull tabs and beers on a WEEKNIGHT and spend all the money I could have used for these things I avoided buy to save $4, $8, $15 bucks... I am rediculous. My current list is as follows:

Yeah, its just a freakin' ipod cord in black, so it matches my car interior and I can get rid of the white durty looking one tied in knots that looks like crap. $5 people...

I want one of these headbands. Every time I see someone with one, I'm all like "oh wow, how cute/retro/fun" it's $15 or less...

White nail polish. My girlfriend Sarah did cute french tips on her own and I'm pretty sure I could do that too.

Organic mascara. I am slowly converting my cosmetics to those that aren't filled with a Uber amount of chemicals and my current mascara is a year old Covergirl or something (the pink and green one) that has bite marks from the dog getting after it. It's time to change and I love this Organic Wear stuff already. $10 people.

Mini SD card, $14 for my phone, i do a lot of browsing, some video and some picture taking on my phone. I would like to not have to delete my cache or photos every couple weeks.

Beyond this I want some sort of bejeweled sandal, more tea and good hairspray...WHY AM I SO CHEAP??? Maybe my target run tonight I'll get something on this list...lol

I love him. :)

2010-04-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I don't give my husband enough credit for the man he is, and is becoming, but I just wanted to tell everyone what a smart, talented, sexy, fun, funny, amazing, caring, loving, interesting and giving man I am married to. And I should Thank God everyday for bringing me such an amazing partner.

I LOVE YOU ADMIR!!!

My new THEME SONG!

2010-04-02T15:17:00.002-05:00

BustedKate made Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble her theme song. (BTW it made me cry listening to it.) I am making the amazing Taylor Swift mine... YAY!!!

TTC/IF BLOG HOP

2010-04-02T14:59:00.000-05:00

Busted Plumbing is doing an Infertility Blog Hop today and through the weekend. It's a chance for all of those TTC bloggers to connect through our blogs and read about others stories, and I think it's a great idea! If you'd like to to join in, hop on over to Kate's blog and follow her directions to link up!

If you found me on Blog Hop, below are some TTC posts from me, as well as under my subject list. I am just getting to to 12 months TTC, but am hoping that something good will come out of our next steps.

The Next Step

2010-04-02T11:34:00.000-05:00

I am still hopeful that I will be pregnant before my 26th Birthday (April 11, I accept gifts or cash,lol) but if that doesn't happen I kick off being 26 with a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). It's where they shoot dye up your stuff and see whats there. There is a really good and down to earth explanation at Stirrup Queens.

It was really great to read. It took away a lot of the anxiety about the procedure. I was really concerned about it because I had no idea what I was in for and WebMD doesn't really give you the kind of details you are looking for. This was nice because it was from someone who went through it and knows what worries someone going into it.

So kids, this is the next step. It's a little scary but its going to be worth it.

Oh Aunt Jane....

2010-04-01T19:50:00.002-05:00

This made me giggle...A LOT!

Lots of Mucus...but not the right kind

2010-03-16T19:00:00.002-05:00

AHHHHHH! I can breathe (and blog) again. Over the weekend and yesterday it was BEAUTIFUL out. All the snow has melted and it has been nice enough to open the windows. However, my allergies have been out of control today. I could not breath last night and today my head was completely blocked up. I just had a warm washcloth for the entire movie French Kiss, and now I can breathe!!! Let me tell you if the clear stretchy stuff coming out of my nose was coming out of somewhere else, I would not be blogging right now. TTC girls you know what I'm saying...

Speaking of TTC, I took the First Response Fertility test and I passed. What does that mean? It means my FSH seems to say my ovaries are brimming with future babies. I may have had this test before or maybe I will have next month when we go and get all the infertility testing insurance will afford at 1 year TTC. Scared, sad and excited about it...i know its wierd but its hard to feel good about admitting you need help, but if it helps something happen for us then YAY!

Today, my biological half sister's son was in at work. I work for my birthmother's ex-husband and her brother (and I PROMISE someday I will explain the whole story). She got pregnant on accident at 17, her twin is now pregnant at 19 on accident. My birthfather's kids are not old enough to have kids. Meaning all my genes so far are pointing to no infertility issues, in fact quite the opposite. None of my biological cousins have kids yet, but being one of the eldest (it happens when your birth interrupts Freshman year of college for you parents) none of them are trying.

Anyways I spent an hour today with little CJ napping. He just slept in my arms and I love seeing him but sometimes he makes me so sad. He is very loved but his situation is not perfect. And I wonder why God gave my young unprepared half sister him and not me. His dad is a kid and isn't a father yet, maybe he will never be. My husband's sun will rise and set with his family, and it pains me that I haven't given him that yet. And my other sister is married but so unprepared as well, she is in college and her husband can't even immigrate here yet, let alone work and provide. Yet she is 3 months along and having a perfect pregnancy. My Birthmom's life is still getting settled and their father is juggling life he doesn't know how to live on his own without a wife. My parents (adoptive) are so ready for this new phase of grand kids and yet still it hasn't happened.

I feel bad for thinking and judging and being my own worst enemy about these things. Venting here is sometimes so much better then to my mom or my husband or friends. It makes my mom so sad because she never won her battle with infertility, and though we are closer than any mom and child could be she never got the experience of having a child. And she doesn't want me going through the pain she did. My husband gets so lost when I try and talk to him about it. He just doesn't know how to help and I think it scares him too. He just wants me to be positive and sometimes I can't. And my friends are great, but its not a weight most of them get and i don't want to be the Debbie-downer. So blog, here we are. It is day 5 of my most current cycle. AF wrapped up spotting yesterday. Maybe, just maybe...this is my month.

Greenin' up life

2010-03-14T22:09:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I haven't been a big Green Girl, but i'm trying to add some changes to my life to get a little healthier. I also decided that slowly replacing products and foods with BETTER CHOICES incrementally. This weeks challenge: AVOID BAD PLASTICS...

Avoid:

Avoid choosing products that use polyvinyl chloride (#3), polystyrene (#6), and polycarbonate (#7).

This means checking packaging that involves these plastic markers:

I'll let you know next weekend if it changed anything I did.